I've Never Loved February So Much

Ahhh... the birds are chirping, the trees are budding, the sun is shining, kids are playing - all the telltale signs of spring. But it isn't spring - it's the middle of February.

Weather like this makes me want to wear sandals and shorts. It makes me want to fire up the grill and cook some fish and shrimp. It makes me want to put all of my sweaters in a storage bin and shove it to the back of the closet, not to be opened until next November.

I know that the minute that I do any of those things the days will get grayer, the sun will feel colder, the wind will blow harder, and it will be February again. The birds will stop chirping, the buds on all the trees will die, and the kids will go back inside to play on their Wii.

But, in the very least, it feels wonderful outside today and the sun is thawing out my Seasonal Affective Disorder. If this is what global warming is going to be like, then I just may quit walking everywhere and go buy an SUV.

A Very Expensive Piece of Paper

Even though I know that I graduated in December, I have still been waiting for proof. Through my years in the college system, I have learned that anything and everything can go wrong. I have been waiting on a phone call that says, "O, I'm sorry Mr. Ramey, but it seems that you are missing 1/4 of a credit and must return to school for another semester to make that up before we can give you your diploma."

Or maybe an email that says that I owe $XXXX.XX in order to graduate. I was expecting anything.... everything. But yesterday I received something quite different.

So this is how you become a Bachelor.

O my... It's finally here. Nothing went wrong... I didn't owe any money... I had all my credits... I passed all my classes... my diploma didn't get lost in the mail. I have it in my hands and can sigh in relief.

Hallelujah.

Why My Next Car Is Going To Be A Tank

So, let's say that you are driving your family around in the family car. You pull out of the parking space in front of Publix and begin to drive in the correct direction out of the aisle. You then notice a gray hatchback flying across the parking lot - - perpendicular to the aisle. Like, across the parking spaces... and coming straight for your car. Would you:

A) Honk your horn in warning
B) Drive on and hope that the person stops before hitting you
C) Throw your arms in the air and scream like a 6 year old ballerina on a rollercoaster

I chose A. I gave him a honk to let him know that if he doesn't stop, then he is going to hit our car. He didn't look too happy about it. He pulled behind our car as I pulled to a stop sign. I see that he is extremely angry and is pulling something out of his lap. It's a glock. He waves this glock around his car and points it at our car -- where Jovi is facing backwards!!

I then quickly re-thought my choices and picked C.

My heart sunk. I told my wife to pull out her cell phone - I was gonna call the cops and have them take this nut away. Once we pulled out from the stop sign, he drove the other way. We took a breath. We were so mad that some stupid, no-brained, ugly, inbred moron with an anger problem could point a gun at us - A GUN. He drove away before we could get his license plate number.

Kimisms

You know that book called $&*@ my Dad Says? Well, in the book he talks about all the crazy ways his father has imparted wisdom to him. The author describes his father as being "like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair."

Well, I would describe my Mom as Socrates, but louder, and not always entirely sure of everything that is going on around her. My mom is always saying hilarious things, but sometimes what she says is so close to being accurate that it takes you a second to catch on that something in her phrasing was amiss. Here is a sampling of her wisdom.

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When dining at The Redneck Gourmet with my mom, we ordered  eggs, toast, and a whole lot of bacon. My sister-in-law met us there after we were served, and my Mom quickly offered her some food, exclaiming, "We have tons of bacon, they brought us, like, a whole half a cow!"

 When I went down to Orlando for Christmas at my Grandparents one year, my grandmother gave me a nativity scene, since I didn't have one. My mom was playing with the little figurines like they were action figures. She picked up the camel, put it in my face, and said "Mooo!"

 My mom and I were discussing  my habit of reusing plastic bags that I get from the grocery store as garbage bags . She responded by saying "Oh, good. You're saving so many trees." Yes, mom. All those plastic trees are safe now.

I was telling my mom how I have to write a 1000 word essay, and that I was having trouble coming up with the last few hundred words. She reassured me by saying, "Well, you could just increase the font size!"

I bought a set of knives one day. I went home and tried to cut some cheddar cheese, but the brand new knife broke in half (Hahaha, I tried to cut the cheese!  But seriously...). I returned the knives and was telling my mom about it. She said, "How weird. I mean, its not like you were trying to cut a rock or anything." No, mom, I was not using my brand new set of kitchen knives to cut rocks.... that day.

My mom and I were discussing how quickly online movie rentals through Netflix are becoming popular. She asked me, "So, how does watching movies online through Netflix work, anyway? Is there a little man in a room who just waits for a movie request, and then pops in a DVD so you and he can watch it together? O wait, that was stupid. PLEASE don't put that in your blog."

 That's just a sampling of the Kimisms that I have gathered throughout the years. And there will be more to come I am sure. I bet that everyone says ridiculous things like this from time to time; its not just my mom. I say them, too, probably. But most of the time they just go unnoticed or unheard. For some reason, however, they just jump into plain hearing when my mom is talking - - thank God. I would hate to have missed them!

On The Outside of the 'In Crowd'

I walked into Starbucks today with full intent of filling out a job application.

As I walked up to the front door, an employee was sitting outside in the patio area with her feet on a table and a cigarette suavely resting between her fingers. Her arm sported a few colorful tattoos and I felt as if she watched me walk all the way from my car to the front door through her thick-rimmed, Buddy Holly styled glasses. It was as if she were hired by Starbucks to be a bouncer who was instructed not to let anyone who didn't look cool enough in the door.

I quickly sneaked past her and slipped into the store.

As I opened the door, I saw another employee with massively large dreadlocks that reached down to the middle of his back. He had his back to me and was talking loudly with some of the customers sitting in the dining area who must have been friends of his.

Behind the counter was a guy with fire-red hair and an equally fire-red beard that reached from his chin to his chest. He was talking with a couple of customers who seemed to know him very well. Two other baristas sat behind the cash register talking with one another and occasionally discussing something with the fire-red beard man's companions.

The whole place was bustling with people - employees were conversing loudly with the customers, coffee drinkers were talking across the store with the baristas behind the counter, employees were messing around and cutting up with one another... It felt like I had walked into a personal get-together where everyone in the cafe had been invited to the event through an announcement that was posted on Facebook using a Macbook Pro and was checked by people invited using an iPhone app.

I quickly became the self-conscious guy who didn't know anybody and who nobody knew.

"There's no way I can put in an application! Everyone here has known each other forever. There's, like, six people working behind the counter right now anyway - - they don't have any openings." I thought.

"Don't be ridiculous and shy, you idiot! Just put in an application and see if they have an opening. I'm sure these guys aren't that cool. Besides, you would fit in perfectly in no time!" Said my more sensible side.

"I'll take this coffee cup, and a tall Pike's Place, please." Said my mouth.

I then walked out the door, past the tattooed, smoking, Starbucks bouncer, and to my car - - without an application.

Who wants to work with cool people who have dreadlocks and who smoke cigarettes and are friends with each other and have good relationships with the customers, anyway?

I do. Maybe next time...

Couch Pomme De Terre

Television is bad for you. It rots your brain and turns it into a gooey paste that will drip out your ears and onto your shoes. It will turn you into a zombie who will sit on the couch and look at the world through
the little bright rectangle hanging on your wall. Television is evil and should be avoided at all costs.

I love television.

It has been more than two years since I last had television. Yesterday a magical man in a white Comcast van traveled from a magical land to my apartment and put a cable into my wall. This cable inexplicably flooded my television screen with bright images. Then the magical Comcast van man handed me a mystical wand with buttons on it and instructed me in the ancient art of "channel surfing."

Now little people live in my television screen and tell me all about how to cook delicious meals, make me laugh at ridiculous situations, send me to various countries to experience other cultures, and a variety of other amazing things. My mystical wand allows me to view other people who are less boring than the people who are already on my screen, or allows me to make them speak louder or more quietly, or sends the people away when I'm tired of them and summons them back when I am bored.

Even people who have long been dead live in this bright rectangle. I can even... oop... hang on - -

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Sorry, Julia Child just showed me how to make a "Gateau in a Cage." Bon Appetit!

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Sometimes its nice to take a break and let your brain get a little squishy.

Bruschetta, Bruschetta, Bruschetta...

What do you do when, due to a recent move, you gain four working stove-top burners and an oven that works?

You use them.

Today I discovered some extremely delicious (and simple) baking recipes. I may have been carried away by all the doughy delicious-ness and made more bread than I can handle. Actually, by the dwindling Italian loaf I think I may need to make some more pretty soon...

I made three different types of bread today - a regular sandwich loaf, an Italian loaf, and biscuits.

The sandwich loaf is simple:

-3 cups white whole wheat flour
-1 to 1.5 cups water
-1 package yeast
-1 tsp. sugar

-Dissolve the yeast and sugar in the water, then stir in the flour and knead for about 10 minutes. Let it rise for about 30-45 minutes, punch it down, reshape it and let it rise for another hour. Then bake at 425 for about 30 minutes or until golden brown on top.

-Here's a tip for a nice crunchy crust: if you have an electric stove, spray water out of a spray bottle every couple of minutes for the first 5-10 minutes into the oven below the bread. The steam will help create a crunch-tastic crust.

The Italian loaf is even easier:

-1 teaspoon active dry yeast
-1 teaspoon granulated sugar
-1 cup warm water
-2 1/4 to 2 3/4 cups King Arthur Unbleached All-Purpose Flour
-Dissolve the yeast and sugar in the water, then stir in the flour and knead for about 10 minutes. Let it rise for about 30-45 minutes, punch it down and reshape it and let it rise for another hour. Then bake at 425 for about 15-20 minutes or until golden brown on top. Use the same crust secret that I described in the sandwich loaf recipe.

The biscuits are phenomenal:

-1 3/4 cups all purpose flour
-1/4 cup cornstarch
-3/4 teaspoon salt
-1 tablespoon baking powder
-2 teaspoons sugar
-1 to 1 1/4 cups milk or heavy cream, enough to make a cohesive dough

-Mix all the dry ingredients together, then add the milk or cream until it forms a dough that shapes easily without falling apart. Then spread it out to an 8-inch round, 3/4 inch tall form and cut out your biscuits as large or small as you want them. Put them in the freezer for 30 minutes (weird, huh. This will help them rise) and then bake them for 20 minutes on 425.

-If you want a more golden biscuit, rub butter on top of them before and after you bake them. I didn't put butter on mine, so they don't have that golden glow.

Yummy goodness.

Ugh... talk about a house that smells great.

I have never made an Italian loaf before. The whole reason I tried it today is because I wanted to make bruschettas for dinner. If you are terrified of making bruschettas because they are sooo fancy and foreign and have great color and such fresh ingredients, then here's a fact you should know: the word bruschetta roughly translates into grilled garlic bread. There, now even your garlic bread can be called a fancy word like bruschetta.

Here's how to make bruschettas that people will break into your house to steal:

-Chop about half a pint of grape tomatoes into quarters (or smaller)
-Chop the same amount of Calamata olives (or black olives, for those afraid of deliciousness) into quarters (or smaller)
-Dice a clove and a half of garlic

-Put all of this in a bowl and cover it generously with basil, oregano, and any other spices you fancy. Then add enough olive oil to make your mixture mix nicely.

-Then cut your Italian bread into slices, brush them with olive oil and heat them in the oven until they are warm, but not browned.

-Remove the bread slices from the oven and top them with your tomato/olive mixture. Then place two thin slices of good, freshly sliced mozzarella on top, just enough to cover the bread. Broil the bruschettas for about a minute (keep a close watch! Things on broil burn easily).

This is the end product:

Then try not to eat an entire loaf's worth of these things, bake another loaf, and eat all of that by making bruschettas.